on crying, haircuts and how everything's just.. "de-lovely"

Just ended our staff meeting.

Before anything else, I need to explain that I NEVER CRY. I hate crying. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak. I used to have a problem with crying. Back during my “depression” days, it landed me a visit to the shrink because I had a hard time expressing myself. As in, if I were sad I’d smile. Happy, smile. Excited, smile. Miserable, smile. Think of smiling as my default expression. Nowadays, I just smile because the world is beautiful, life is beautiful, and because God is wonderful. :)

Why talk about crying? Well, this morning I woke up anxious. No idea why. I have no issues. Life has been so good. So I kept repeating the verse in my head – “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will fill your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:16-18). Tama ba? I’m so weak at verses. I know them but it’s the verse number that gets me. ENLI class anyone? Anyway, so I got up earlier than usual then remembered that Kitty lent me her How To Discover Your Purpose booklet. I knew then and there that’s how I wanted to tackle our meeting for the week.

I began to cry. No, weep (as Reg so eloquently puts it).

It is embarrassing to have your staff witness all choked up with tears because you are just so.. OVERWHELMED. Yeah, that’s how I felt. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing, nevermind that nearly everyone has NEVER seen me cry, nevermind that I was their “manager,” or that I had to be strong in their eyes. No, when God lets you cry you shouldn’t stop it. It’s a gift.

I cried because I shared something that happened yesterday, during Disruption Day with our agency, TBWA Santiago Puno Mangada. Grabe, Mr. Santiago is SOOO inspiring. I really learned A LOT from him! What was flattering was that he’d sit down with our group from time to time and say.. “Galing.” Eep. I cried because I always told my staff that while my time in Belo is limited, I knew I couldn’t bring myself to leave because I had a purpose still. And that purpose was fulfilled yesterday. Our group, the youngest team, authored our company’s VISION. He sat with our table during break, and he said something like “In all our years of Disruption, this is a first. The vision usually comes from the seniors.. but you guys came up with it. That in itself is a disruption.” I wanted to faint. Hello, Mr. Jimmy Santiago, advertising guru, was complimenting ME! Us! If anything, I will leave the company fulfilled because I did 2 things: achieved consistency in our creatives (Go, Belo Creatives! We fixed it! One logo, one look, one identity.) and I helped author our vision. Mr. Santiago was so inspiring kasi, when he was still giving instructions, I had a million ideas running through my head. Modesty aside, I finished my assignment in less than 5 minutes and my groupmates were impressed. We used what I wrote in creating our team’s proposed vision. Sigh.

I can leave Belo and not have any regrets now. I am fulfilled.

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Cut my hair last night. It’s been something I’ve been mulling over for quite a while. Nica put things in perspective when she said “Mare, I know you love your long hair and you look good with it, but if you’re finding it too hard to even fix up in the morning that means you can’t maintain it. So cut it short.”

So after D-Day, I headed off to the salon (Ben Fix! Trust me, I’ve had my hair done everywhere from Toni & Guy to Emphasis.. They’re cheap but they’re GOOD!!) and just plunged into my new look. Ack. There is a certain vulnerability in having your hair cut. I never knew I had issues about letting go of my long hair.. Parang comfort zone na kasi.. I knew I looked nice in it if I blow-dried. But, you see, the implications go beyond just cutting your hair:

- You put your trust (and faith) in someone who’s pretty much a stranger.
- You let go of your past self. It’s kinda like dying to your old self so a new person can emerge.
- It’s a bitter pill that you have to swallow (if you’re not so adventurous) but you feel great after.

You see, I like to take control of my life. Which is why I’m independent. I didn’t HAVE to move out and be on my own but I WANTED to. I wanted to experience living alone (at least, with my roomie). I drive my own car (Thank you, Lord, for giving me a new one! Coming soon! Woohoo!). I don’t like hitching with people because it makes me feel dependent. I try as much as possible not to “mooch off” my parents because, let’s face it, I’m too old to be taken care of by them. I pay my own bills, and pretty much do as I please. So depending on someone and letting them come through for me is somewhat a risk I find myself usually unwilling to take.

God’s lesson for the week: ALLOW MYSELF TO BE VULNERABLE.

Eep.

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16 August 2006
9:31pm


De-Lovely is showing on Star Movies.

Sigh.

I remember watching this movie on DVD a little over a year ago, when I was confined due to infection for 5 miserable days. Such a BEAUTIFUL movie. It's not even cheesy in the song and dance kind of sense. (Hey, I LOVE big glittering Broadway numbers ha.) I love how it incorporates the music to the story seamlessly, like Rob Marshall's take on Chicago. Here are a few more reasons why this movie rocks:

1) It salutes the musical genius that is Cole Porter.

Long before my Stephen Sondheim phase, or my embarrassing Andrew Lloyd Webber fascination, there was Cole Porter.

When I was a little girl, I watched Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. You know that opening scene where Willie sings Anything Goes in Chinese? I was hooked! I bought a very expensive Broadway songbook because Anything Goes was in it and I wanted to play it on the piano. I was too much of a musical newbie to appreciate the other classics that were in it (ALW was my main background) and to my dismay I couldn't play the piece because it was too difficult. I've always had a problem playing anything ‘lilting.’ I make up for it with the ‘legato’ pieces. Hahaha. :P I have since lost the book but my love of Cole Porter has remained.

- Ella Fitzgerald has lovely renditions of Cole Porter's music. :) And Michael Crawford has a really beautiful version of In The Still Of The Night in his Songs from the Stage and Screen album. Imagine, a 7th-grader used to listen to that nightly!!!

- Everytime We Say Goodbye is in my list of all-time favorite songs. EVER. "There's no love song finer/ But how strange the change.. From major to minor" Hmmm. Must remember to have that played during my wedding

2) Lovely cameos abound.

Elvis Costello. Robbie Williams. Alanis Morissette. Sheryl Crow. That's just to name a few.

Elvis Costello is a genius. Robbie Williams has THE most wonderful swing album (Swing When You’re Winning, baby!). And, like who doesn't have a copy of Jagged Little Pill? Sheryl Crow singing Begin the Beguine? Natalie Cole doing Every Time We Say Goodbye? Hello! Oh, and any movie that features both John Barrowman and Mario Frangoulis can't fail. Gorgeous, gorgeous men whose singing can make any woman's heart melt.. Ay. :P

Oh, and Lara Fabian’s quite good too. (Broken Vow, anyone?)

3) Linda Porter.

"You don't have to love me the way I love you, Cole. Just love me." Words the "old Chiko" has said (and felt) time and again. Since knowing God, however, and knowing that in His perfect timing I am to be with the one who will love me the way I am supposed to be loved (never more than God).. *Sigh.*

What I'm saying is that I've been there. I WAS Linda. The movie is quite therapeutic, actually. :) A good reminder of how God has changed me, changed my life and I need never be afraid of falling in love ever again. :)